The Maestro (season 7, episode 3)

written by Larry David, directed by Andy Ackerman
original airdate: October 5, 1995

Elaine dates Kramer’s friend “the Maestro.” Jerry becomes obsessed when “the Maestro” tells him there’s nothing available to rent in Tuscany. Jackie Chiles represents Kramer in his lawsuit against the coffee company.

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The Improv

Jerry’s Apartment
The gang meets Bob Cobb, “the Maestro,” who gives Kramer a Chinese balm for his burns, asks out Elaine, and warns Jerry not to bother searching for a villa in Tuscany. Kramer later discovers his burns disappear from the balm, before his lawsuit has begun.

Monk’s Café
Elaine apologizes to George for gossiping about him to Rabbi Kirschbaum. Jerry and George debate whether a security guard should have a chair, and if so, what kind. Jerry decides to look for a villa in Tuscany out of spite against the Maestro.

Ross’ (actually Camouflage, NOW CLOSED)
139 Eighth Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 14th Street (A,C,E)
George claims Susan’s uncle Ned owns the store…but still gets no discount. George gives the security guard a rocking chair to sit in, prompting him to fall asleep and allowing the store to be robbed.

Jackie Chiles’ office
The Hippodrome, 1120 Sixth Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 42nd Street – Bryant Park (B,D,F,M)
Kramer visits superlawyer Jackie Chiles, to have him take on his case against Java World for their too-hot coffee burning his thighs.

Java World offices
New York, NEW YORK
Kramer and Jackie take on Java World in a lawsuit…but Kramer settles for a Times Square billboard before they can get down to dollars and cents.

COSTA RICA (map)
Susan’s Uncle Ned tells Susan and George that he’s going on vacation to Costa Rica for a few weeks.

Tuscany, ITALY (map)
The Maestro mentions he hasn’t been in New York for a while as he’s been at his house in Tuscany; when Jerry mentions he finds it beautiful, Maestro immediately tells him no homes are available (“I can’t get a sublet, a guestroom, a cot…nothing?!?”), prompting Jerry to find a place there out of spite. Maestro invites Elaine to stay with him there, and Jerry and Kramer crash the party there as well (“Tuscany…you hear that Jerry? That’s in Italy!”), after getting a place through Poppie, who is revealed to be from “Toscana.”

New York Police Department Benevolent Association
40 Fulton St., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: Fulton Street (2,3)
It is revealed by Jerry that the Maestro conducts the Police Benevolent Association’s orchestra.

Trattoria dell’ Arte
900 Seventh Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 57th Street – 7th Avenue (N,Q,R)
Elaine and Maestro dine here, where Elaine accidentally calls the Maestro “Bob.” Maestro is angry he cannot be called Maestro: “I suppose it’s okay for Leonard Bernstein to be called maestro because he conducted the New York Philharmonic!”

Avery Fisher Hall
10 Lincoln Center Pl., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 66th Street – Lincoln Center (1)
The Maestro mentions Leonard Bernstein conducting the New York Philharmonic, whose home is at Avery Fisher Hall.

FRANCE (map)
Jerry proclaims since apparently nothing is available in Tuscany, “maybe I’ll check out France!” to Elaine and Maestro.

NORTH DAKOTA (map)
George argues with Jerry on the size of Tuscany: “Do you know how big Tuscany is? It’s huge! It’s probably like North Dakota!” In fact, Tuscany is 8,877 square miles, while North Dakota is 70,704 square miles, nearly 8 times the size of Tuscany.

Rose Wine Liquors
449 Columbus Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 81st Street – Museum Of Natural History (B,C)
Kramer and Jackie’s taxi drives by here as Jackie chides Kramer angrily for taking the deal without listening to the “plus.” Thanks Erkan B. for the tip!

Mr. Ciccio’s
279 Mulberry St., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: Bleecker Street (6)
Jerry goes to visit Mr. Ciccio, Poppie’s cousin, to inquire about a place in Tuscany, and is quickly given a place for $1700 USD (2 million lira)…”molto generoso.”

Elaine’s Apartment
Elaine and Maestro are kissing, when Elaine accidentally calls him “Bob” in the heat of the moment.