News

JUN. 14, 2021 – Tough luck, chinless.

Today marks the dark anniversary of the Mets-Phillies Keith Hernandez incident…we earned this with 34 years of misery!


MAY 31, 2021 – That’s an order!

Our eternal thanks go out to those who serve and those who have served – for those who do the walk back in, into no man’s land, and have to crawl all the way back if they get shot down. They can do it, I tell ya!


MAY 14, 2021 – I’m an animal!

Today we commemorate, on the 23rd anniversary of The Finale, the eighth anniversary of Maps About Nothing! We ask that to commemorate this momentous occasion, you load up a slice at Lorenzo’s, give an old man the ol’ stink eye, and flash the eight fingers in tribute!


MAY 5, 2021 – I’ve had it with these Mayans!

Wishing all of our friends and fans a happy (and safe) Cinco de Mayo! Be sure to stay six feet apart when you’re dancing and strutting outside for two days!


FEB. 7, 2021 – You have to sweeten too!

Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for winning their second Super Bowl title, in front of their home fans, during a pandemic – which normally, we’d be very sweet on. But Tom Brady winning another title? Kinda soured.


DEC. 31, 2020 – The worst, Jerry.

Here’s to sending off a terrible 2020 – if a year were Kenny Bania and Newman wrapped into one, this was it. 2020, you were a punk, a patsy, a hack! Goodbye…2020.


DEC. 23, 2020 – This is the worst Festivus ever!

If there’s any year to be airing Festivus grievances, this is the one! We got a lot of problems with you, 2020, and now you’re gonna hear about it!


OCT. 27, 2020 – Hoochie mama!

Congratulations to the Los Angeles Dodgers on winning their eighth World Series title, and first since 1988! The one year the carpool lane would be free for Larry David, and they’re playing in a bubble in Texas! Serenity now!


OCT. 11, 2020 – Why’d you tell him?!?

Congrats to the Los Angeles Lakers on winning their record 17th NBA Championship, tied for the most all time! This now puts future Hall of Famer LeBron James only two titles away from tying that phoney Michael Jordan!


SEP. 28, 2020 – Drive slow, sit low.

Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Lightning on winning their second Stanley Cup title in the NHL bubble! When they win, the celebration goes all night!…until the break of eight PM.


JUL. 4, 2020 – I got a flash for ya, joy boy!

As we gather to celebrate both the birthday of “The Seinfeld Chronicles” and “The United States of America,” we recognize this is a bad year for America, and a bad year for libraries. You put on a pair of shoes when you walk into America, fella!


JUN. 29, 2020 – All our problems would be solved.

Today we remember Jerry’s fourteen year vomit streak, which today turns the ripe old age of forty – in this time of racial strife and chaos in America, we must remember now more than ever…to look to the cookie. If we can’t look to the cookie, where can we look?


VIEW NEWS ARCHIVE >

Click here to view archived news stories, starting from the site’s launch in May 2013.