AUG. 8, 2021 – Why, separate knob?!?
The postponed 2020 Olympics in Tokyo have wrapped, with the United States, China and Japan coming out the big winners…they obviously knew about the separate knob on the radio alarm. Well done you bastards!
JUL. 20, 2021 – You ever have a man die in your arms?
Congratulations to the Milwaukee Bucks on winning their second NBA Championship, and first since 1971!
Yeah, ’71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don’t judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the – sorry, lost my train of thought. Anyways, well done Bucks!
JUL. 7, 2021 – Is that Dutch?
Our congratulations to the Tampa Bay Lightning, for winning their third overall (and second consecutive) Stanley Cup over the Montreal Canadiens! Just make sure if you plan to celebrate with some dirt cheap Montreal cigars that they are real Cubans, none of that “producto de Peru” crap!
JUL. 4, 2021 – How could they be so vain?
We would wish “The Seinfeld Chronicles” a happy 32nd birthday (and America a happy 245th birthday), but we know both they just scratch off the number and put a 31 and 244. This is the Seinfeld and America that only we know.
JUN. 29, 2021 – As good as it gets.
As the world gets back to normal, let us harken back to a simpler time, when the thought of vomiting from a spoiled black and white cookie, breaking a significant streak, left us only with thoughts of mild disgust, not of potentially spreading a deadly virus. Now, let us peek from behind the mask and once again…look to the cookie.
JUN. 14, 2021 – Tough luck, chinless.
Today marks the dark anniversary of the Mets-Phillies Keith Hernandez incident…we earned this with 34 years of misery!
MAY 31, 2021 – That’s an order!
Our eternal thanks go out to those who serve and those who have served – for those who do the walk back in, into no man’s land, and have to crawl all the way back if they get shot down. They can do it, I tell ya!
MAY 14, 2021 – I’m an animal!
Today we commemorate, on the 23rd anniversary of The Finale, the eighth anniversary of Maps About Nothing! We ask that to commemorate this momentous occasion, you load up a slice at Lorenzo’s, give an old man the ol’ stink eye, and flash the eight fingers in tribute!
MAY 5, 2021 – I’ve had it with these Mayans!
Wishing all of our friends and fans a happy (and safe) Cinco de Mayo! Be sure to stay six feet apart when you’re dancing and strutting outside for two days!
FEB. 7, 2021 – You have to sweeten too!
Congratulations to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for winning their second Super Bowl title, in front of their home fans, during a pandemic – which normally, we’d be very sweet on. But Tom Brady winning another title? Kinda soured.
DEC. 31, 2020 – The worst, Jerry.
Here’s to sending off a terrible 2020 – if a year were Kenny Bania and Newman wrapped into one, this was it. 2020, you were a punk, a patsy, a hack! Goodbye…2020.
DEC. 23, 2020 – This is the worst Festivus ever!
If there’s any year to be airing Festivus grievances, this is the one! We got a lot of problems with you, 2020, and now you’re gonna hear about it!
OCT. 27, 2020 – Hoochie mama!
Congratulations to the Los Angeles Dodgers on winning their eighth World Series title, and first since 1988! The one year the carpool lane would be free for Larry David, and they’re playing in a bubble in Texas! Serenity now!
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