The English Patient (season 8, episode 17)

written by Steve Koren, directed by Andy Ackerman
original airdate: March 13, 1997

Kramer asks Jerry to bring him some Cubans from Florida so he can start his own cigar business. Elaine shocks everyone when she admits to hating the movie “The English Patient.” Jerry competes with octogenarian Izzy Mandelbaum. George is attracted to a woman because she confused him for her boyfriend. Lloyd Bridges guest stars.

FEATURED LOCATIONS

The Improv is not featured in this episode.

Jerry’s Apartment
Kramer asks Jerry to bring back his “Cubans” from Del Boca Vista, which he later discovers are people. Kramer discovers they are in fact, Dominicans, not even Cubans. George tells the gang about the beautiful mystery woman at Monk’s who mistook him for her boyfriend.

Monk’s Café
George is mistaken for a beautiful woman’s boyfriend, and obsesses over finding out how, even though he has won her over. Kramer becomes concerned when his Dominican rollers end up embracing Cuban revolutionary culture. Elaine gets in a fight with a waitress over “The English Patient.”

Del Boca Vista
Jerry visits his parents and helps them move their things back into Del Boca Vista. Jerry gets to meet the Mandelbaum clan, who blame Jerry for thinking he’s better than them (and subsequently putting all of them in the hospital).

Crazy Shirts (NOW CLOSED)
699 Fifth Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 5th Avenue – 53rd Street (E,M)
Kramer reveals he bought a dozen “#1 DAD” t-shirts for Jerry here during a closeout for $1.

Loews Paragon Theater (now AMC Loews 84th Street 6)
2310 Broadway, New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 86th Street (1)
Elaine and Blaine end up seeing “The English Patient,” which Elaine despises. Blaine later leaves Elaine for her “friends” Carol, Gail and Lisa, as he can evidently only associate with those who love the movie.

CUBA (map)
Kramer requests he has some “Cubans” dropped off at Jerry’s parents’ condo; unfortunately, they’re not cigars…”they’re people?!? they’re real people from Cuba?!?” Kramer later tells Earl that “if they were any more Cuban, Castro would have smoked them himself!” Elaine’s flight to Tunisia is later hijacked by the Dominican cigar rollers (due to their explotation by Magic Pan restaurants), and re-routed to Cuba.

Danielle’s apartment
New York, NEW YORK (map)
Danielle gives George a wide-open invitation to spend the night…but he chooses to return home, in the event that Neil may call him.

George’s Apartment
George rushes home from a free invitation to sleep with a beautiful woman, in the hopes he can be home to receive a call from his doppelganger who has been with said woman already.

Magic Pan (NOW CLOSED)
432 Columbus Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 81st Street – Museum Of Natural History (B,C)
One of the locations of Izzy Mandelbaum’s crepe restaurant chain. Jerry gets Kramer’s Domincans to roll crepes for the business, but they roll them too tight…sending many to the hospital, including Neil (Kramer: “that’s why you gotta get real Cubans!”).

Port Authority Bus Terminal
625 Eighth Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 42nd Street – Port Authority Bus Terminal (A,C,E)
Kramer picks up his “Cubans” from the bus station (after coming up from Del Boca Vista), and discovers they’re really Dominicans.

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC (map)
Kramer requests he has some “Cubans” dropped off at Jerry’s parents’ condo; unfortunately, they’re not cigars, but rather cigar rollers, who turn out to be Dominican instead of Cuban. According to Kramer, Dominicans don’t have the same “quality, texture, intoxicating aroma” of Cubans; whether he meant people or cigars is unknown.

J. Peterman
Elaine gets taken out of work by Mr. Peterman to see “The English Patient” for a second time, and is fired upon admitting she hates it.

New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center (now New York-Presbyterian / Weill Cornell Medical Center)
525 E. 68th St., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 68th Street – Hunter College (6)
Jerry visits Izzy Mandelbaum, who is visiting his back specialist at the hospital (in room 203), and is later somewhat responsible for his son and father being hospitalized as well.

Earl Haffler’s office
New York, NEW YORK
Kramer’s deal with Earl falls apart when he figures out that his “Cubans” are actually Dominicans just dressed as Cubans.

Guild 50th Street Theatre (NOW CLOSED)
33 W. 50th St., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 5th Avenue – 53rd Street (E,M)
Mr. Peterman drags Elaine to see “The English Patient” for a second time, and fires her when she starts screaming in the theatre about how much she hates the film.

TUNISIA (map)
Mr. Peterman only agrees to re-hire Elaine if she visits the Tunisian Desert (where “The English Patient” was filmed) for inspiration…and lives in a cave. However, her flight to Tunisia is hijacked and rerouted to Cubans by Kramer’s Dominican cigar / crepe rollers.

Metropolitan Hospital Center
1901 First Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 96th Street (6)
Neil (a.k.a. Mr. Peanut) is checked in here, where he declares himself as “the winner” over George for Danielle’s affection.

England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
Danielle tells George that she is taking Neil to a clinic in England to cure his burned face.