The Tape

308 - Tape

The Tape (season 3, episode 8)

written by Larry David and Bob Shaw & Don McEnery, directed by David Steinberg
original airdate: November 13, 1991

George orders a miracle baldness cure from China. Elaine leaves an erotic message on Jerry’s tape recorder. Her dirty-mouthed practical joke spurs sexual interest in her from the guys, especially George.

FEATURED LOCATIONS

The Improv

Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry discovers a sexy voice on his tape recorder when reviewing one of his shows, starting a mystery with Jerry and George over who the voice is. The group later discovers Elaine is the voice, prompting sexual advances from Jerry, George and Kramer. George orders baldness cream from China, with the assistance of Ping the Chinese delivery guy.

Monk’s Café
Elaine confesses to George that she left the message on Jerry’s tape recorder as a joke.

Beijing, CHINA (map)
George calls a hair restoration clinic, led by Dr. Zhao Zhang, to order baldness curing cream; Ping the delivery boy spends a while chit-chatting with Beijing, prompting an upset Jerry to end the call over the long distance charges.

George Washington Bridge
Fort Washington Ave., New York, NEW YORK
(map)
nearest subway: 175th Street (A)
Elaine claims the mystery woman on Jerry’s tape may did not leave her name because she perhaps felt she couldn’t have Jerry, and thus decided to jump off the George Washington Bridge.

Upper West Side
New York, NEW YORK
(map)
Kramer, when jokingly filming Elaine as a porn actress, claims she just finished shooting her latest picture, “Elaine Does The Upper West Side.”

Rome, Lazio, ITALY (map)
When joking with Kramer’s video camera, Elaine claims how her pornographic “co-star” George plays a pilot returning from Rome, and Elaine “is just about to show him how much I’ve missed him…”

Bank Of China, New York Branch
410 Madison Ave., New York, NEW YORK (map)
nearest subway: 47-50th Streets – Rockefeller Center (B,D,F,M)
Ping the delivery boy mentions to George that he needs a money order from the Bank Of China to send to Beijing for his hair cream. This location closed in 2016, moving headquarters to 1045 Sixth Ave.

Elaine’s Apartment
George drives Elaine home, and is extremely resilient in avoiding the urge to go in to the apartment, as he is extremely attracted to Elaine after discovering she was the voice on the tape.

London, England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
Jerry and Kramer try to do their best cockney accent, which is the accent of those from London’s east end.

Hawaii

Hawaii

STATE OF HAWAII

Nickname: The Aloha State
Population: 1,415,872 (2019)
Capital: Honolulu

FEATURED EPISODES

HAWAII (map)
The Nose Job
Audrey tries convincing George to visit Hawaii, forcing George to show great restraint against her dented nose: “Hawaii could be tricky this time of year…there’s a lot of high pressure winds down there this time of year, so there’s a lot of debris constantly flying around…like wood, and lava…”

Honolulu International Airport
300 Rodgers Blvd., Honolulu, O’ahu, HAWAII
 (map)
The Airport
After angering the skycap in St. Louis, Elaine’s bag is tossed into the check line for Honolulu, where her bag is seen at the end of the episode.

HAWAII (map)
The Race
Duncan promises Lois he’ll give her a raise and a two week vacation in Hawaii if Jerry beats him a second time. After his victory, Lois asks if Jerry will join her in Hawaii, to which Jerry proudly replies “maybe I will, Lois…maybe I will.”

Pearl Harbor Historic Site
1 Arizona Memorial Pl., Honolulu, Oʻahu, HAWAII
(map)
The Engagement
Jerry tells Elaine that the news of George’s engagement is “beyond news, like Pearl Harbor or the Kennedy assassination!”

HAWAII (map)
The Little Kicks
Kramer believes the final death blow from the movie “Death Blow” went to “that Hawaiian guy…yeah, he had it coming…”

HAWAII (map)
The Andrea Doria
Jerry helps Newman deliver overdue mail to help get him transferred to Hawaii, “the most sought after postal route of them all…the air is so dewey sweet you don’t even have to lick the stamps!”

Switzerland

Switzerland

🇨🇭 SWISS CONFEDERATION

Location: Europe
Languages: German, French, Italian, Romansh
Population: 8,667,100 (2020)
Capital: Bern

FEATURED EPISODES

SWITZERLAND (map)
The Good Samaritan
Elaine, at dinner with George, Robin and Michael, tells them about how she dated a matador named “Eduardo Carrochio,” who she met at a bullfight in Switzerland.

SWITZERLAND (map)
The Label Maker
Kramer wants to put the Risk game in a neutral place between his and Newman’s, declaring Jerry to be like Switzerland (Jerry: “I don’t wanna be Switzerland!”).

Jungfrau Railway
Bernese Oberland, SWITZERLAND
(map)
The Hot Tub
Kramer has a poster over his bed of the Jungfrau Railway in the Bernese Oberland.

SWITZERLAND (map)
The Finale
Elaine suggests the gang use NBC’s private jet to visit here, to which George kaiboshes the suggestion, because it is “a bit hilly.”

Texas

Texas

STATE OF TEXAS

Nickname: The Lone Star State
Population: 28,995,881 (2019)
Capital: Austin

FEATURED EPISODES

Texas Panhandle
TEXAS
(map)
The Stock Tip
Jerry mentions that Elaine’s grape could mutate into one similar that terrorized a small town in the Panhandle: “they had to call in the army – it had a pit of steel!”

Dealey Plaza Historic District
411 Elm St., Dallas, TEXAS
(map)
The Bet
In the abandoned script, Elaine holds a gun to her head and asks Jerry “Where do you want it, the Kennedy? The McKinley?” This is in reference to the assassination of U.S. President John F. Kennedy, by a bullet to the head, in Dallas on November 22, 1963.

HemisFair Arena (NOW CLOSED)
434 S. Alamo St., San Antonio, TEXAS
(map)
The Heart Attack
When asking Tor to translate Jerry’s half-asleep note, all he comes up with is “Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109.” The San Antonio Spurs played here during the 1990-91 NBA season.

Dallas, TEXAS (map)
The Busboy
Jerry mentions Dallas in his mid-episode monologue, joking how airlines should just use cannons to shoot commuters to their destination.

Houston, TEXAS (map)
The Letter
Mr. Lippman goes to a publisher’s convention in Houston, and decides to read the Sunday sports section (with Elaine’s picture) on the plane there.

TEXAS (map)
The Chaperone
Kramer notes at the previous Miss America pageant, Miss Texas should have won easily, but lost points in the swimsuit competition because she didn’t tape her breasts together. Host Regis Philbin later announces Miss Rhode Island as following Miss Texas.

Dallas, TEXAS (map)
The Mom And Pop Store
Jerry reveals he owns cowboy boots because a club in Dallas he worked couldn’t afford to pay him, so they gave him cowboy boots instead.

Dallas Arms Hotel (NOT REAL)
Dallas, TEXAS

The Secretary
On the whiteboard behind George in his office, a listing for “DALLAS ARMS” is visible, next to a list of games against the Texas Rangers.

Dallas Arms Hotel (NOT REAL)
Dallas, TEXAS

The Diplomat’s Club
On the whiteboard behind George in his office, a listing for “DALLAS ARMS” is visible, next to a list of games against the Texas Rangers.

George Bush Intercontinental Airport
2800 N. Terminal Rd., Houston, TEXAS
(map)
The Diplomat’s Club
Earl mentions he’s stuck at LaGuardia because he’s flight has been delayed…”they’re all morons.” Earl later bets Kramer that Flight 902 to Pittsburgh will depart before his flight, Flight 44, leaves for Houston.

Houston, TEXAS (map)
The Hot Tub
George hosts team representatives flying in from the Houston Astros organization, to discuss interleague play against the Yankees.

Texas School Book Depository
411 Elm St., Dallas, TEXAS
(map)
The Secret Code
Elaine mentions she once was talking to Fred about how her uncle worked at the depository with Lee Harvey Oswald, where Oswald winked at him and said he was going to catch a movie when he found out John F. Kennedy was shot.

TEXAS (map)
The Fatigues
Frank prepares (and overspices) 600 pounds of “once-prime” Texas steer for his platoon during the Korean War.

El Paso, TEXAS (map)
The Merv Griffin Show
George mentions that the tiny squirrel veterinary instruments are being flown in at his expense from El Paso, to which Kramer comments how “I spent a month there one night.”

Bermuda

Bermuda

🇧🇲 BERMUDA

Location: North America
Languages: English
Population: 64,055 (2021)
Capital: Hamilton

FEATURED EPISODES

BERMUDA (map)
The Chinese Restaurant
Jerry, to George and Elaine on his family’s calling chain set-up: “New York, Long Island, Florida…it’s like the Bermuda Triangle.”

BERMUDA (map)
The Café
Jerry notes in his monologue how there is always that one neighborhood store that constantly changes owners and businesses, like a “Bermuda Triangle of retail.”

BERMUDA (map)
The Package
Newman and Kramer, on Bermuda and the Bermuda Triangle:
K: “Well, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle.”
N: “I guess there’s not much action down there these days.”
K: “Oh, there’s action. There’s plenty of action. That damned alien autopsy is stealing all the headlines.”
N: “Yeah, tell me about it.”
K: “See, what they gotta do is lose a plane or a Greenpeace boat in there. See, that would get the triangle going again.”
N: “What keeps the water in there? I mean, why doesn’t it disappear?”
K: “What would be the point in taking the water?
N: “It’s gorgeous water…do we own Bermuda?”
K: “No, it belongs to the British.”
N: “Lucky Krauts.”
K: “So, what do you think about that alien autopsy?”
N: “Oh, that’s real.”
K: “I think so too.”

Kentucky

Kentucky

STATE OF KENTUCKY

Nickname: The Bluegrass State
Population: 4,467,673 (2019)
Capital: Frankfort

FEATURED EPISODES

Cumberland Gap, KENTUCKY (map)
The Red Dot
Jerry mentions the Cumberland Gap to Dick during his set, in trying to explain smooth trails for alcohol transport via wagon. The Cumberland Gap runs through Kentucky, Tennessee and Virginia.

Cincinnati / Northern Kentucky International Airport
2939 Terminal Dr., Hebron, KENTUCKY
(map)
The Diplomat’s Club
Cincinnati is one of the airports shown on the flight board during Kramer and Earl’s “competition.”

KENTUCKY (map)
The Bizarro Jerry
Jerry asks Elaine if she “steel-toed his ass back to Kentucky,” in reference to dumping Kevin, “the Bizarro Jerry.”

Cincinnati / Northern Kentucky International Airport
2939 Terminal Dr., Hebron, KENTUCKY
(map)
The Serenity Now
Showing off his anger, Jerry yells at his airline for trying to stop him over in Cincinnati, even getting a first class upgrade due to his outburst. Although the airport serves Cincinnati, it is actually located just over the Ohio state border in Kentucky.

China

China

🇨🇳 PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF CHINA

Location: Asia
Languages: Mandarin
Population: 1,407,431,600 (2021)
Capital: Beijing

FEATURED EPISODES

CHINA (map)
The Parking Garage
Jerry claims he needs to see his parents to the mall security guard, as his father has spent the last 14 years in a red Chinese prison.

Beijing, CHINA (map)
The Tape
George calls a hair restoration clinic, led by Dr. Zhao Zhang, to order baldness curing cream; Ping the delivery boy spends a while chit-chatting with Beijing, prompting an upset Jerry to end the call over the long distance charges.

CHINA (map)
The Chinese Woman
Jerry mentions China in his opening monologue, crediting the Chinese people for sticking to chopsticks, even though they are by now aware of other cutlery technology.

CHINA (map)
The Race
While lamenting the fall of the Soviet Union, Elaine’s boyfriend Ned mentions “we still got China, Cuba…but its not the same.”

Gan River, CHINA (map)
The Secret Code
Mr. Peterman tells George he was once searching for the Gan Jiang River market (the Gan River flows through Jiangxi).

CHINA (map)
The Gum
Lloyd Braun tells Jerry that the gum he’s given him is from China, and that he could arrange for more if Jerry would like.

Shanghai, CHINA (map)
The Shower Head
Mr. Peterman refers to opium as “Shanghai sally.”

Yangtze River, CHINA (map)
The Shower Head
Mr. Peterman mentions in 1979, he was traveling the Yangtze in search of a Mongolian horse-hair vest when he took “just a taste” of opium.

CHINA (map)
The Invitations
George proposes he writes Susan a letter to dump her, and then moves to China, disappearing “in a sea of people”, for 6 months to a year…but decides it can’t work because he’d lose his job.

CHINA (map)
The Wizard
George mentions how any news about China is an “instant page turner.”

Hong Kong, CHINA (map)
The Bookstore
Kramer mentions how he wants to see Hong Kong’s pagodas “before it all goes back to China”; he also mentions how the city has outlawed the rickshaw, which he things would fit perfectly in New York…and has Newman ship a rickshaw from the Hong Kong post office to start their endeavor.

CHINA (map)
The Bookstore
Kramer mentions that he wants to see the pagodas of Hong Kong before it is returned to China…only a year too late, as China overtook control of Hong Kong in 1997.

Hong Kong General Post Office
2 Connaught Place, Hong Kong, CHINA
(map)
The Bookstore
Kramer mentions that he and Newman are getting their rickshaw from a guy Newman knows in the Hong Kong Post Office. The GPO is headquartered in Connaught Place.

France

France

🇫🇷 FRENCH REPUBLIC

Location: Europe
Languages: French
Population: 67,399,000 (2021)
Capital: Paris

FEATURED EPISODES

FRANCE (map)
The Red Dot
George argues with Jerry, believing that the Statue Of Liberty was brought to New York in one piece on a tugboat from France.

Paris, FRANCE (map)
The Pitch / Ticket
Elaine is seen with Dr. Reston in Paris, with the Eiffel Tower visible in the background, where he remembers he may have forgotten to give Crazy Joe Davola his medication.

Paris, FRANCE (map)
The Raincoats
Jerry’s parents are staying with him for 3 days before leaving for Paris with a select charter group; George plans to avoid being Big Brother to a boy named Joey by pretending to go to Paris…but ends up having to accompany the kid to Paris to find his father. George unsuccessfully tries to pawn the kid off to Morty and Helen, before he ends up taking their charter tickets on their “Gateway To Paris” flight, and is shown having lunch in Paris with Joey.

Eiffel Tower
5 ave. Anatole France, Paris, FRANCE
(map)
The Raincoats
George claims to be staying at the apartment complex “Eiffel Towers” to Alec (presumably near the actual Tower in George’s mind).

FRANCE (map)
The Maestro
Jerry proclaims since apparently nothing is available in Tuscany, “maybe I’ll check out France!” to Elaine and Maestro.

Channel Tunnel
Coquelles, FRANCE
(map)
The Pool Guy
Jerry, Elaine and Susan go to see the film “Chunnel,” about the Channel Tunnel that runs between Folkestone, England and Coquelles, France.

Channel Tunnel
Coquelles, FRANCE
(map)
The Cadillac
Kramer mentions that the film “Chunnel” (based on the Channel Tunnel that runs between Folkestone, England and Coquelles, France) is on his illegal HBO, taunting the cable guy trying to shut it down.

Paris, FRANCE (map)
The Bizarro Jerry
Nikki mentions to her friends that Paris was a “bore,” causing George to bring up Susan and the picture of Gillian.

Eiffel Tower
5 ave. Anatole France, Paris, FRANCE
(map)
The Little Kicks
The tower is clearly seen in Jerry’s bootlegged copy of “Cry, Cry Again”…before Elaine’s little kicks cut off the film.

Universite de Sorbonne
1 Rue Victor Cousin, Paris, FRANCE
(map)
The Van Buren Boys
Ellen mentions to Jerry and his parents that she got her Masters degree at the Sorbonne.

Paris, FRANCE (map)
The Slicer
Elaine mentions how the potato family from across the hall left her alarm on while they went to Paris, leaving it ringing for hours.

FRANCE (map)
The Bookstore
George is forced to buy a book of French impressionist paintings after taking it into a bookstore bathroom, which he finds conducive to- “thank…you…”

Paris, FRANCE (map)
The Finale
Since there can be no compromise amongst the gang, Jerry just proposes they use the NBC jet to go to Paris. Newman later mentions he has a cousin in Paris who can only communicate by blinking, and begs Jerry to allow him to go with so he can visit.

Pont de l’Alma
Paris, FRANCE
(map)
The Finale
The jail guard in Latham mentions that the Good Samaritan Law the gang was arrested on was based on the French law, after Princess Diana’s death where paparazzi just stood around following her fatal auto accident in 1997.

United Kingdom

England

🇬🇧 UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND

Location: Europe
Languages: English
Population: 66,796,807 (2019)
Capital: London

FEATURED EPISODES

England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Robbery
Kramer mentions to Jerry that he suspects an Englishman down the hall from them to be behind the robbery of Jerry’s apartment.

Scotland, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Phone Message
Jerry challenges Donna to try her Scottish accent, which Donna notes sounds more Irish, to which Jerry replies “Irish, Scottish, what’s the difference lassie?”

London, England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Tape
Jerry and Kramer try to do their best cockney accent, which is the accent of those from London’s east end.

England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Nose Job
Upon meeting Isabel, Jerry claims he’s responsible for the crop circles in England (which Isabel has no idea about).

Scotland, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Limo
Jerry claims that he, as Dylan Murphy, is from Dublin, and that he emigrated to America due to a cereal famine. When his accent is deciphered by Tim as being more Scottish, Jerry claims “they were right on the border” (although Ireland and Scotland are divided by the Irish Sea and the North Channel).

England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Good Samaritan
Kramer claims that a sick, mentally disturbed person like Jerry’s girlfriend Angela should be sent to Australia, as England used to send their disturbed people there when it was a penal colony.

England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Trip
When discussing the “effectiveness” of police siren noises (changing from the “waaa-waaa” to “woo-woo-woo”) with George and the police officers, Jerry brings up sirens used in England, that go “eee-aaa-eee-aaa,” before being cut off due to their irritating behavior.

London, England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Pitch / Ticket
Jerry mentions he got a postcard from Elaine in London, who is traveling through Europe with her psychiatrist Dr. Reston.

England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Soup
Elaine announces she was in England with Mr. Pitt for 5 days, to George’s surprise; she met an Englishman, Simon, who she flies in to New York to stay with her, but ends up being a real “bounder.”

Scotland, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Doorman
Mr. Pitt goes to Scotland while Elaine house-sits for him…and makes Elaine miss a movie with Jerry by making her check his mail.

Channel Tunnel
Folkestone, England, UNITED KINGDOM
(map)
The Pool Guy
Jerry, Elaine and Susan go to see the film “Chunnel,” about the Channel Tunnel that runs between Folkestone, England and Coquelles, France.

Channel Tunnel
Folkestone, England, UNITED KINGDOM
(map)
The Cadillac
Kramer mentions that the film “Chunnel” (based on the Channel Tunnel that runs between Folkestone, England and Coquelles, France) is on his illegal HBO, taunting the cable guy trying to shut it down.

England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Wig Master
Craig runs into his friend Ian on the street (pronounced Een), and offers him his Andover Shop discount.

UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Package
When Kramer tells Newman that Bermuda is under control of the British, Newman incorrectly replies with a blunt “lucky Krauts.”

England, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The English Patient
Danielle tells George that she is taking Neil to a clinic in England to cure his burned face.

Scotland, UNITED KINGDOM (map)
The Blood
George tries convincing Vivian that Elaine is being deported back to Scotland, with Vivian responding that she’s seen Elaine’s passport and knows she’s American.

Windsor Castle
Berkshire, England, UNITED KINGDOM
(map)
The Frogger
Mr. Peterman asks Lubeck whether Entemann’s has a castle at Windsor, but discovers they only have a display case at the end of the aisle.

South Korea

Korea

🇰🇷 REPUBLIC OF KOREA

Location: Asia
Languages: Korean
Population: 51,705,905 (2021)
Capital: Seoul

FEATURED EPISODES

SOUTH KOREA (map)
The Jacket
Alton Benes talks of a funny tailgunner he knew from his time served in Korea, who “blew his brains out all over the Pacific – there’s nothing funny about that.”

SOUTH KOREA (map)
The Note
When being massaged by a man, George can only muster a response of “hamstring…Korea…what?…hamstring…hotel” when asked about the cause of his pain.

Jamsil Indoor Swimming Pool
10 Jamsil-dong, Seoul, SOUTH KOREA
(map)
Olympic Moments & Facts
In an “Olympic Moment,” Jerry discusses the excitement of Greg Louganis’ gold-medal, concussion-inducing diving performance at the 1988 Olympics, which he brands as “the Louganis half-gainer no-brainer.”

SOUTH KOREA (map)
The Understudy
We learn that Frank sold religious memorabilia made in Korea, speaks fluent Korean, had an affair with a Korean woman (which he briefly rekindles back in New York), and once met the Reverend Sun Myung Moon of the Unification Church.

Incheon, SOUTH KOREA (map)
The Fatigues
Frank reveals that he was a cook for the US Army (slinging hash for the Fighting 103rd) during the Korean War (“Shell shocked?” “Oh yeah…but that has nothing to do with it.”). One night in 1950, Frank sent 16 of his own men to the latrines due to undercooked meat, including Bobby Colby, who “they had to sit him on a cork for the 18-hour flight home!”

SOUTH KOREA (map)
The Finale
Estelle mentions that Frank may be the reason for George ending up in prison, as he was never around for George, always in Korea with his religious tchotchkes.